3 MONTH POSTPARTUM
During the first couple of weeks, I remember carrying around these sad emotions over my shoulder like I could cry at any moment over anything and everything but it was weird because it had nothing to do with the baby…just feelings over sadness and feeling overwhelmed. I wish more people talked about “baby blues” and that when it is talked about I wish it wasn’t automatically assumed to be pp depression. Thankfully the “baby blues” didn’t last long!
WEEK 1 PP- Aside from Day 1 being purely ahhhhhmazing the rest of the week was pretty crummy due to my milk not coming in until day 4. I was really stressed about this and was fearful of supplementing. Baby lost a total of 10 ounces but by the end of the week he was right back up to his birth weight. I did end up having to supplement but just until he was back to his birth weight. By day 3 my body was really feeling sore especially my tailbone and hips. When I walked around my stomach felt like a half empty water balloon..it was the weirdest “ugh” feeling. I also looked 5 months pregnant.
WEEK 2 PP - Life was amazing at this point, Christmas celebrations were in full swing, all of my family was in town, baby weight was coming off with zero efforts. Life was good. haha When I would get tired and need to catch up on sleep I would nurse the baby, hand him to my mom, and off to nap I would go. When I say life was good…life was good. But then week 3 happened.
WEEK 3 PP- THE BAND-AID HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF…My parents returned home, Mike went back to work, and it was just me, the baby, and the dogs at home. That first evening I cried, and cried, and cried. I kept thinking to myself, how in the world am I going to be able to do this. The only thing I accomplished that day was making sure the baby was fed. I felt inadequate, life seemed like it had just stopped, and the thought of this being my new norm scared the mess out of me. After day 3 I told myself I needed to get a handle on life and this is when I began implementing Babywise and moved baby to his room. I am so thankful for babywise…literally turned my life around! haha This was also the time in which, I wanted to get rid of my dogs. :( I’m sure if you were to ask Mike what he hated most it would probably be me complaining about the dogs and threatening to get rid of them…#guilty
WEEK 4 PP- The Lord blessed me with a boost of confidence. After managing a week alone, I instantly felt like I could do this. Baby and I were starting to have a good flow and I felt like I had a handle on things. Because of babywise my days were filled with some predictability. House chores were slowly getting done, dinner was being prepared, Mike’s clothes were getting ironed, the dogs no longer had to stay at daycare (I still wanted to get rid of them), but most importantly baby was being cared for. He was napping great, when he was awake that was our uninterrupted time together with endless snuggles.
Month 2 PP - Oh man…month 2…I hate to even think about it. Life felt like it had made a turn for the worst. Just when I thought things were going well things came crashing down. I was never a fan of nursing but I knew it was the best thing we could give our babies, so I pushed through and made sure to keep it going, but at the same time I was always questioning whether Michael was getting enough. He always seemed small to me, and at every doctors appt I would always ask is he underweight and I would be assured that he was fine and gaining the required amount. At exactly 8 weeks we flew down to Florida to meet my niece Elisa and during this trip all my mom and sister kept saying to me was Michael is so skinny, he’s too skinny. I became very insecure…so when we got back to Virginia I was anxious for his 2 month appt that was 2.5 weeks overdue. Well, sure enough…
I found out he was underweight…I cried my eyes out. As I got in the car, I immediately nursed Michael and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I had failed as a mom and guilt and shame came over me…I was starving my baby. Here I thought I was doing the very best thing for our baby by nursing him, but instead I was starving him. The doctor gave me this intense eating plan of nursing for 30 minutes, pumping afterwards, and then supplementing with an ounce or 2 afterwards for a week. I was exhausted and drained. I just wanted to give up on nursing. After the week was up we went back to the doctor’s office for a follow up and Michael had gained 2 pounds!! He was no longer underweight, but he was also losing interest in nursing, the doctor recommended I see a lactation consultant. I met with her and it turns out Michael had a tongue-tie issue, and was put on a pumping plan (nurse for 30 minutes, pump for 20 minutes 5 times a day) to maintain/build up my supply while we address the tongue-tie issue. Ughhhh talk about regression and stress. My supply was increasing but by this time Michael was over nursing..he wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding. (This was so hard on me…I didn’t think it would be, but it was.)
Month 3 PP - I can see light! Life is starting to turn around! Michael is growing, gaining weight and out of the newborn stage! I have accepted the fact that Michael doesn’t want to nurse and that formula is not an enemy but rather grace from the Lord. Baby Boy is now sleeping through the night, he goes down at 8pm and wakes up at 7am, which is wonderful because I am able to hangout with Mike again…I missed our quality time soo much! Let’s just say..I am on cloud 9, starting to like my dogs again and am ready for baby #2!! ;)
Looking back I still carry mom guilt over several things like Michael’s weight and having to stop nursing so soon, but words cannot express how thankful I am over God’s undeserving grace, for I know things could have been so much worse. Each day as brought so many blessings and each day has sanctified me in so many ways. Being a mom has given my life so much meaning and purpose, I never knew how rewarding it would be!