OUR INFERTILITY JOURNEY
HE HAS PUT A NEW SONG IN MY MOUTH–PRAISE TO OUR GOD; MANY WILL SEE IT & FEAR, AND WILL TRUST IN THE LORD. PSALM 40:3
The week leading up to our wedding day the most frequent comments received were, "watch you guys will for sure get pregnant on your honeymoon." To be honest, these comments scared me a bit, because I didn't want to get pregnant right away. So many thoughts ran through my mind, like, we aren't ready, it's wayyyy too soon, I want to enjoy it just being us for a while.
Well, after being married for 2 months the Lord started to work in my heart and the desire for children started. (Read more Here) Our first year of trying was probably the hardest for me, mostly because I was unaware of how things worked. I thought you try and boom you're pregnant well that's how it seemed to be for most people in my eyes. But as each month came it felt as if I had failed a test. I didn't pass, it became emotionally draining and a constant questioning if something was wrong with me. Along with people's constant remarks and suggestions, but to their defense, it's not like they knew how hard this was on Mike and I, constantly on google researching, or reading different books/methods. After a year and a half of unsuccessfully trying Mike and I decided to get tested, I did my required testing and he did his....all the results came back great and with nothing wrong. I remember meeting with my OBGYN and her going over the test results with both of us and saying, "I'm sorry guys you both just fall into that 1% in which medically we don't have an answer as to why you aren't pregnant." Not receiving a solution was difficult to hear but we both knew the answer, it was not God's timing. As time went on, God was working on our hearts, especially in mine converting my thoughts of "failing" to "waiting". I no longer looked at each month of not being pregnant as failing but rather it's not God's time yet. This was comforting I relied heavily on Hannah's testimony (1 Samuel 1: 1-18) especially on the verse, "But to Hannah, he gave double the portion, because He loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb." Realizing that it was God my Lord who had closed my womb was so comforting, knowing that this was His will for my life and I just needed to wait on Him and His perfect timing. Sure it was hard, every now and then I would hear the good news of someone being pregnant and it would be a sting to the heart! But this was hard because of sin, I knew in my heart that I was sinning in allowing my heart to have tears of bitterness and thoughts of doubt. So I repented and continued to wait.
Once year 2 came around pressures began to arise from those around us to pursue fertility treatments. But the conviction in my heart was not there, we had seen all the test results and knew there was nothing wrong with our bodies. I didn't want to put my body through harsh treatments if I didn't need them. So a new desire was placed in our hearts, adoption. We decided that if by age 30 I was not pregnant we would pursue adoption. This new desire came along with a boost of hope for me, so after researching and talking with friends, we found an agency that we really liked (NightLight Christian Adoptions). We submitted our application and were told that there would be a 2-year wait, so naturally, I wanted to start the process ASAP. In my mind, it was perfect because in 2 years I would be 30 and that was what we had decided. Well, no that wasn't and Mike was strongly inclined to wait–to start the process at age 30 not now. This became discouraging because all I could think about was ughhhh another 2 years of trying and failing. Adoption was a sense of security to me, a certainty, but as we know and are reminded countless of times in scripture, Christ is our only security and certainty.
Year 3 this was an eventful year, my brother moved in with us, we did a lot of traveling, and after coming back from our Summer trip to Costa Rica, Mike decided it was time to sell our house. So my mind was preoccupied with other things. We moved out of our house while we waited for it to sell and then it sold, then we moved in with Mike's parents as we waited for our new house to be settled. Well, during this time my sister became pregnant! Now the real family pressures began from my side. It became a thing that because Niza (my sister) was pregnant it also became my time. My mom and sister were constantly asking me to take Chlomid (a fertility pill that boosts ovulation) I would end up crying in frustration because I didn't want to take it.
Year 4, we finally closed on our house and began the renovation process. This home truly felt like a dream. When Mike told me that he wanted to sell our townhouse 6 months prior I was so sad because I loved that home, it was everything I wanted. Little did I know God had something better in store for us, because our new home is a true dream, one in which we could grow into and in the cutest neighborhood surrounded by little children. During the renovations, I would go upstairs into the spare rooms and just beg the Lord for children to fill these rooms with. Sometime during the first week of February I went into our file cabinet and searched for my Chlomid prescription that was prescribed exactly 2 years prior, I went to our closest CVS and picked it up the next day to start the following month. I honestly had no hopes of this working, I just wanted Niza and my mom off my back in proving to them to place their hope on the Lord and not on a pill. (Disclaimer : their hope was never in this pill but they knew God could use it and it didn't hurt to try.)
During the last week of March, my body felt so different, I couldn't really explain it, but something felt different. I took a pregnancy test on March 28th and it was negative. Well, the following week came and no signs of my menstrual cycle so I took another pregnancy test and it was positive! I couldn't believe it, I was so nervous, I thought it was a glitch so I took a picture of it to have as evidence. (I had no idea if the word pregnant would go away or expire) I immediately went to pray and said a word to no one–not even Mike. I just didn't know if it was real and wanted my doctor to confirm it. I already had an appointment scheduled to see my doctor in two weeks for a yearly checkup so I told myself that if it was real, I would tell Mike then. 3 days later went by it was a Sunday evening I was washing dishes and Mike came up after finishing his movie and said, "So I saw this picture on your phone of a pregnancy test and wanted to know if it was yours?" (my heart immediately dropped! I couldn't believe he saw the picture! Mike never looks through my pictures...ever! My first reaction was to lie and so I did and told him that it was mine but that Chlomid does funky things like give you a false positive. So he dropped it and went about to read on the sofa. My heart sank, I prayed and asked the Lord, "is this really how you wanted him to find out?" I was convicted greatly. As we were getting ready for bed I went over to grab the actual pregnancy test and show him. When I went over to his side to hug him and tell him the truth he couldn't believe it–with so many questions like how do you know it's real! haha, We both started to cry and praise the Lord. He admitted to me that he was waiting for us to go to bed to cry over the false news. !!!! My heart instantly broke and was so thankful to have told him! I never really knew how much he desired a child until then and it crushed me. I am still greatly humbled by this and am truly so thankful for the Lord's timing, for having us wait 4 years and for sanctifying us through this process.
During this time of waiting, the Lord demonstrated to me His sovereignty. That He is the Alpha and the Omega, the creator and author of life, and the one who gives and takes away. The wait was not easy and often felt endless. But oh how kind the Lord was to send many distractions our way that made the wait a little less daunting. Waiting is not easy but those that are called to wait are blessed for their reward in drawing closer to the Lord in total dependence of Him is worth it all. I pray you are blessed by our testimony and that the Lord is glorified.
With so much love, Nioby
PHOTOGRAPHY : TERRI BASKIN PHOTOGRAPHY